The Overwhelming Stress Put on Adolescents

Let’s talk about the stresses that comes with being an adolescent child. Whew! It’s definitely a topic that can send parents screaming for help. And I get it. There’s nothing worse than to feel like you’re watching your child struggle to navigate the million and one external things flying at them from every angle. There are so many stresses pushing against them and leading them to believe they’ll never be “enough.” Smart enough. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Accomplished enough…it’s heartbreaking.

From schoolwork to peer pressure, to comparing themselves to others, to extracurricular activities, to confusing emotions and body changes. It’s no wonder adolescents feel so much stress. Not to mention the fact that they’re growing up in a digital age where it’s so easy for our opportunities for real connection - as well as the chance to know our true unique selves, to start to get lost.

It’s definitely a lot!

Well, I’m here to assure you that we have an awesome opportunity as parents to provide our children relief from some of this stress. But, we need to check ourselves first.

Because as parents, of course we want what’s best for our kids. We may even ask ourselves, how can they best succeed? What more could they be doing to become exceptional? How can I help better them, their situations, and their problems?

But sometimes by doing that, we’re projecting our own stresses and anxieties onto them and actually fueling the overwhelming fires they’re feeling.

Take college admissions for example. Of course it’s a high-pressure time and we want our kids to get into the best schools they can. And sure, our kids likely want that, too. But a lot of times, I see the anxieties and insecurities of the parents taking over the situation. A middle school child may not feel that much stress over college prep. But a parent who hires a math tutor with the sole intention to “make sure they’ll get into a good school” will likely pass that nervousness onto their child.

If this hits close to home for you, don’t worry. We all do it as parents in our own ways.

And so, I invite you to simply become more aware of the role you may be playing in your child’s stress. To pause before acting. Before you sign your child up for their next extracurricular activity, get curious. Does that activity actually make them happy? Or are you projecting your own hopes and dreams onto them? Are we unintentionally raising the bar so high that our kids could never actually reach it?

In her book “Never Enough,” Jennifer Wallace brings up one of the toughest question in parenting: How do we give our children every opportunity we can without asking too much of them?

Her answer is actually very simple. Mattering. 

Ask yourself, do your children feel like they matter? Are you telling them and showing them just how valued they are, exactly as they are right now? When you pick them up from school, are you present enough to attune to their energy, or do you bring your own anxiety to the table by immediately asking how they did on their test? (Trust me, I’ve been in this boat way more times than I can count.)

How can we check ourselves on this? How can we help our children truly succeed without adding to their overwhelming load? 

TO START, HERE ARE 4 SIMPLE WAYS YOU CAN GIVE YOUR ADOLESCENT CHILDREN SOME MUCH-NEEDED RELIEF:

1. Pay attention to what’s driving your conversations.

   Ask yourself, are your topics of conversation coming from your own anxieties and expectations? Are you mindfully letting your child lead the conversation in whatever way they’d like? Are you attached to the outcome of those conversations? I encourage you to start your next interaction with your child with a pause. Maybe even a hug if it feels welcomed. Let them lead. Maybe they don’t even want to talk on the car ride home from school. Maybe they need that time to zone out while listening to their music. Allow it.

2. Make your home a sanctuary for them.
   There’s so much external pressure on our children. They feel it from their peers, teammates, teachers… Let your home be a place where they can escape those pressures. Let them chill out for a minute before nagging on them to finish their homework. Surprise them with their favorite meal. Watch their favorite show with them. This doesn’t mean you become a permissive parent, but rather you become a safe space for them to unwind and take a break from their overly-structured lives.

3. Let them know how much they matter to you.
   Give your child your full attention when they’re talking to you. Tell them how significant they are, even if they roll their eyes when you say it. Appreciate them when they do something positive. Acknowledge them when you recognize them being authentically themselves.

4. Free them up!
   Do what you can to help them get some things off their shoulders. What can they let go of in their schedule? Is that piano lesson causing more stress than joy? Let them start to guide their agendas.

I know all of this is easier said than done, but the best we can do is just start. Start making little changes in how you show up, and you’ll start to notice little changes in them, too. And if you’re interested in more support in doing this, I’m always available to chat!

As for our adolescent children, I also offer a very neat 6-week program where I help teens connect with their own unique selves in order to design a life that excites them and unlocks their authentic maximum potential.