What to Do When You Feel Like a Failure
“Soy Un Fracaso” a mother confided in me. “I am a failure.”
Why was she feeling this way? It certainly wasn’t true. She was a devoted mother of three adult children, and had done her best to support each of their unique personalities and stages of life. Yet despite these efforts, she felt broken and flawed because her children didn’t have the close relationship she had hoped they would as adults. Of course, it’s easy to look at this scenario from the outside and know that this mother’s statement simply isn’t true. But, we’ve all experienced being on the inside, where those feelings of inadequacy and despair are so keen to take over.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Imagine seeking me out as a coach, only for me to immediately judge and shame you for all the things about parenting that are out of your control. Sounds crazy, right? Of course that wouldn’t be helpful to you. And yet, we do it to ourselves all the time.
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe said “No parent is perfect. Nature would never have been fool enough to create children so sensitive to damage that they couldn’t tolerate having a human being as a parent.”
Simply put, we’re not meant to be perfect parents because that simply doesn’t exist.
And the more we self-shame, the more disconnected we become from our kids, our families, and even our truest selves. We lose sight of all the amazing ways our unique creativities and capabilities have served us, and limit our own potentials by losing trust in ourselves to grow and evolve.
And not only do these negative declarations take power away from ourselves, but they also take power away from our kids. While it’s true that parents do play a significant role in shaping their children’s development, it’s not the only thing at work. In addition to other influences like teachers and peers, our children also have their own temperaments, opinions, and agency. Ultimately, they get to choose the direction of their life, their values and beliefs, family relationships and connections, and the way they want to show up in the world with or without our influence. That can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes as parents, but it’s the truth. And isn’t it a beautiful truth? How amazing is it that we’re raising children who will learn their own life lessons, reach for their own desires and dreams, and follow their own paths?
When we take all of that into consideration, of course we’re going to feel like we fall short as parents sometimes. Of course we’re going to feel like things don’t turn out how we hope or expect them to, because they won’t. But, I’m going to say it again: that does not mean we’re failures.
But what can we do as parents to keep those negative statements and self-shame from shadowing our more positive and productive thoughts? And even more than that, how can we show ourselves grace and regain possession of our truths when those negative statements do sneak in?
I think Mel Robbins says it well: “Shame won’t change your past, anxiety won’t change your future, action is the only way to change everything.”
So, let’s take action. Here are 5 steps to practice in those moments when the negative statements start to take over your view of a situation:
1. Shift Your Focus.
Focus on valuing yourself based on who you are, rather than on what happens. Remind yourself of all the ways you are doing the best you can, regardless of any outcome. Practice loving yourself and all your positive traits now, so when the negativity creeps in, you know how to come back to that self-love.
2. Accept When You Feel Inadequate.
You will feel discomfort as a parent. You will feel inadequate. Instead of judging or shaming yourself when this happens, practice holding yourself in that pain. Love yourself for being human and for experiencing human emotions.
3. Practice Self-Compassion.
Dr. Gabor Mate said, “Nobody gets tired by being compassionate. You get tired when the flow of compassion is only in one direction.” When we understand ourselves compassionately, our capacity to heal and love expands. Work on letting go of what “could have,” or “should have” been. Applaud yourself for doing the best you knew how to do at the time. Drop the accusations, and be open and willing to ask for help.
4. Get Curious.
Once you’re able to be more compassionate with yourself, you’ll feel safer and more free to recognize your full self without shame. You’ll better see yourself exactly as you are, and take responsibility for your own growth and learning. When you catch yourself in a self-shaming moment, ask yourself these questions:
How did I come to believe that this is true for me?
What am I making this mean about myself?
What is my perception or belief about this situation?
When was the first time I felt like this? How old was I? Who did I have for support?
5. Find a Realistic Solution
What’s truly in your control in this situation? How can your relationship with your own essence evolve and grow? Invite possibilities to shift what you do have control of in order to improve the situation for yourself as well as for those around you. And above all, just remember that things won’t always pan out the way we envision or hope, especially in parenting. While it’s completely normal for parents to fantasize about having that “perfect” family where everyone is always in sync and in harmony nonstop, it’s just not realistic. Even more so, it’s not fair to blame ourselves when things don’t look how we think they should.
So, rather than clinging to a label of “failure” in those moments where things don’t match our expectations, instead work to embrace the situation as a possibility for your own personal growth and evolution. Start viewing those setbacks as sign-posts that can point toward the possibility of a brighter outlook.
Of course this practice is easier said than done, especially when we’re doing it on our own. Oftentimes, these delicate exercises are best done with a peer partner or coach. If you’re feeling like you need or would like companionship in your own process, feel free to book a free consultation with me here.